silverenta

baby I wont leave you no matter how bad it gets and baby it hurt a fucking lot that you felt like you couldn't tell me sooner

I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you
I'm so fucking sorry baby

WHY DO I TRY SO HARD AND THE PEOPLE I LOVE FEEL LIKE THEY CAN'T TELL ME

WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN

FUCK MY SHITTY LIFE

IT'S ALWAYS MY FAULT

fuck nothing could distract me from the thoughts before now I might listen to them

do you know I hate myself
do you know I twitch randomly
do you know I can't sleep most of the time
do you know I use loud music to scream for me
do you know I hate the cold
do you know I hate winter
do you know I love being by myself
do you know I hate being lonely
do you know I hate eating
do you know I love to cook
do you know I think about ending it every day
do you know I space out randomly for minutes
do you know I hate being a man
do you know I hate being horny
do you know I am scared of being intimate
do you know my body craves intimates
do you know I can't tell what's real anymore
do you know I hate myself

I think I've let myself get too attached to her if she leaves me I'm done she's the only good thing in this world no one else understands me. If she leaves me I'm going to kill myself like I planed before I started dating her. other than her nothing good in my life has ever lasted. I pray she stays. yes she's my first actual girlfriend but I have been in MANY short relationships when I was younger and none of them were anything like her. I fucking hate the things she's had to go through and I FUCKING HATE MYSELF for hurting her even if it was just me lying to hide how bad my metal health is.

I hate being an introvert I love being alone but when I'm alone I feel so lonely but I like it idk it weird.

I hate being me. I hate everything about me and my life. I hate basically razing myself and with unrestricted internet I ended up loving it. I could run from all of my problems and not have to think about them but I'm realizing I've done nothing with my life. I'll I've done is sit in front of a computer running from my problems FOR MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. I can't even enjoy doing it anymore. I'm running out of distractions. I love building things BUT I can't do things I love to do if I can't even stand my own thoughts for 5 fucking seconds.

I fucking HATE being the therapist to everyone. I love helping her with her problems. BUT I have to help my mom with her PHISICAL and MENTAL problems constantly. I love helping her and my mom but its so fucking exhausting helping my mom. and dealing with my issues that always get dismissed because I'm just a "teenager and I'm be dramatic".

I HATE being a man because of SOME of us we all get the fucking "all men are the same" WE ARE NOT ALL THE FUCKING SAME. I'm so fucking disgusted at some of the things US men did. just cause one of US did it that does NOT mean all of US are assholes. WHY CAN'T US men be happy just cause WE are the "strong" ones DOESN'T mean IT DOESN'T hurt US. but no WE ARE MEN and WE are taught to hide our feelings because "THEY MAKE US WEAK" SO BEING HAPPY MAKES US WEAK????

I LOVE music so much its the only way I can "relax" its the only thing stopping the thoughts if I could get my music any louder than it already is I would. but its probably better I don't find out how to do it or I would be deaf by now.

I hate realizing that all of the "friends" I've lost they were never my friend in the first place.

I hate being me because I know SHE tries to complement me but all I've ever heard was insults. I actually think I will never think anyone can ever truly love me. I'm sorry baby I will never believe that you love me I can't. I love you so much but I can't believe anyone could love a fuck up like me.

I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I talk. I hate the way I laugh. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF. I hate how I can lie with out even realizing it maybe my whole life has been a lie. BUT I'm done lying to HER I will try my best to never ever lie to HER. I won't hurt her again I'm not like the others she's dated I won't lose her.

this is getting too long I'll end it here for now I'll add to it later

I want to help my GF but I can't when my problems keep getting in the way
I need to stop being a dramatic little bitch
I need to be "happy"
it hurts me so fucking much to see her hurting but I can't do anything rn
and I just want to be happy actually happy with her I love her so much but we can't be happy if we're both hurting and her problems are so so so so so so much fucking worse than mine I can bare with mine but idk how long she can last with hers








I love her too much to lose but I can't do anything and it feels so fucking bad

I can't think I can't feel I'm cutting again FUCK I DON'T WANT TO PUT HER THROUGH THIS I'M supposed to help HER not make her go through this with me

FUCK!!!!
WHAT AM I DOING





WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!