silverenta

its all my fault I never do enough for people and then they leave me





FUCK MY LIFE

I hate being alone as long as I have been I've been so bored for my whole life and I've learned a lot of useless information because I don't have enough money to do what I want to do and tbh idk what I want to do I'm so bored other than hanging out with my GF nothing has made me happy and genially enjoy doing it

I think I've let myself get too attached to her if she leaves me I'm done she's the only good thing in this world no one else understands me. If she leaves me I'm going to kill myself like I planed before I started dating her. other than her nothing good in my life has ever lasted. I pray she stays. yes she's my first actual girlfriend but I have been in MANY short relationships when I was younger and none of them were anything like her. I fucking hate the things she's had to go through and I FUCKING HATE MYSELF for hurting her even if it was just me lying to hide how bad my metal health is.

I hate being an introvert I love being alone but when I'm alone I feel so lonely but I like it idk it weird.

I hate being me. I hate everything about me and my life. I hate basically razing myself and with unrestricted internet I ended up loving it. I could run from all of my problems and not have to think about them but I'm realizing I've done nothing with my life. I'll I've done is sit in front of a computer running from my problems FOR MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. I can't even enjoy doing it anymore. I'm running out of distractions. I love building things BUT I can't do things I love to do if I can't even stand my own thoughts for 5 fucking seconds.

I fucking HATE being the therapist to everyone. I love helping her with her problems. BUT I have to help my mom with her PHISICAL and MENTAL problems constantly. I love helping her and my mom but its so fucking exhausting helping my mom. and dealing with my issues that always get dismissed because I'm just a "teenager and I'm be dramatic".

I HATE being a man because of SOME of us we all get the fucking "all men are the same" WE ARE NOT ALL THE FUCKING SAME. I'm so fucking disgusted at some of the things US men did. just cause one of US did it that does NOT mean all of US are assholes. WHY CAN'T US men be happy just cause WE are the "strong" ones DOESN'T mean IT DOESN'T hurt US. but no WE ARE MEN and WE are taught to hide our feelings because "THEY MAKE US WEAK" SO BEING HAPPY MAKES US WEAK????

I LOVE music so much its the only way I can "relax" its the only thing stopping the thoughts if I could get my music any louder than it already is I would. but its probably better I don't find out how to do it or I would be deaf by now.

I hate realizing that all of the "friends" I've lost they were never my friend in the first place.

I hate being me because I know SHE tries to complement me but all I've ever heard was insults. I actually think I will never think anyone can ever truly love me. I'm sorry baby I will never believe that you love me I can't. I love you so much but I can't believe anyone could love a fuck up like me.

I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I talk. I hate the way I laugh. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF. I hate how I can lie with out even realizing it maybe my whole life has been a lie. BUT I'm done lying to HER I will try my best to never ever lie to HER. I won't hurt her again I'm not like the others she's dated I won't lose her.

this is getting too long I'll end it here for now I'll add to it later

WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY
WHY DO I LET MYSELF HURT THE PEOPLE I LOVE
I'M DONE HURTING PEOPLE
I'D RATHER HURT MYSELF THEN THEM
I'M SORRY MY LOVE
I'M GOING TO HURT MYSELF BAD THIS TIME
I WONT HURT YOU EVER AGIAN
IF I DO LEAVE ME I'LL PROBABLY END IT BUT I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY AND IF I CAN'T STOP HURTING YOU LET ME DIE

god I fucking hate alcohol but its the only thing that make me feel no pain but it also makes me feel so much pain idk its weird it helps but then it hurts honestly I love it because if I drink enough I wont remember anything the night and all of the feeling, memories, and pain are gone for a little which if I make myself forget the pain will go away right?????

honestly I would love to drink myself to death it would be so fucking great but I can't lose her and I won't leave her so I'll bare with the pain idc how bad it will fuck me up I WON'T LEAVE HER AND I WON'T HURT HER NO MATTER WHAT

okay this might be weird but idc
every time I am with or even think about my girlfriend the thoughts I be having make me feel so disgusted I mean I love her and yes I want to do intimate things but my mind is in a completely different world its hard because I know she has trauma and I don't want to make her uncomfortable but these thoughts make it so hard to control it, especially my hands I can control it but its hard to do

does everyone have these thoughts?
can everyone control it, I can but still

I just don't want to make her uncomfortable

I'll try with all of the love in my heart to control it
I won't fail
I won't let the thoughts win

it felt so right so good but it also felt so wrong but HEY I FEEL BETTER I THINK IDK I'M FUCKING LOSING IT